You love her (and nothing could ever change that)
by WanderlustAlice
Summary: Coming out and heartbreak [Rilaya]
1. Chapter 1

**You love her (and nothing could ever change that)**

 **coming out and heartbreak**

 **disclaimer:I don't own girl meets world**

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It seems like a normal day at school. Like any other day. You go to your every day classes and you eat lunch like you have every day since sophomore year started. Until last period.

You're sitting there next to her absentmindedly talking about your lives and things going on. And somehow you get to sexualities and relationships. And she talks to you about that girl you knew she was friends with for the longest time. You hear her voice crack and your heart cracks along with it. She doesn't stop until she's in tears. Tell you how much she loved her and how she's scared to tell you she's gay but she is and she doesn't exactly know what she is but she knows what she likes. And you're lost and confused. But all that matters is her. So you hold her and assure her that everything's gonna be okay and that you won't leave her no matter what.

It's time to leave school and you hug her goodbye tighter than ever it seems. The "I love you" seemed more definite than it ever had. You want her to know you do. Nothing could ever change that.

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You walk home with her on your mind. You realize how close you've gotten, how close you are. And you think about her coming out to you. She's gay. You can't wrap your mind around it. You've always been taught that it wasn't okay, that it wasn't right. But how can it not be? You think it is. And now you know for a fact. Because it hit home, and she is your everything. So you accept it and you begin to accept more and more until you realized you've lost all beliefs that were ingrained in your head as a child. Now you have your own beliefs and they all revolve around her. She eventually tells you she thinks she's bisexual. But it didn't matter what she was because she's your world. And nothing could ever change that.

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You get so much closer as the year goes on. You don't realize how much you hold hands, until you do. And she kisses you on the cheek for the first time since she came out to you and it feels different. It feels right. And you get closer and closer though it seems you can't, that you're already as close as possible. But you do. And everyone know it, you're inseparable. It's Riley and Maya. It will always be that way. And you love it. You love being around her and holding her. And you're sitting in class with her, on the floor. In between her legs, head resting on her chest, fingers intertwined with yours, and you look back at her and she smiles at you with the biggest smile. And you've never wanted to kiss someone so bad in your life. You think you love her. But you don't know. All you know is you want her on your life. And nothing could ever change that.

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It's the summer of junior year when you realize it. You've dated guys; Charlie, Lucas, Evan. All which never worked out. You didn't like it. Their hands weren't soft when you held them like you wanted. And their lips weren't what you expected. You were never happy. But then it hits you one day. You wake up in a cold sweat. You're gay. You're not bi like her. But lesbian. And you cry and cry and cry because even though you accepted it for everyone else you haven't for you. You deny it. You force yourself into these harsh relationships because you need to learn how to be straight. And it hurts so much and now you know how she feels. How she feels when her mother makes homophobic comments, it always bothered you but now it burns. How the ignorant people hurt more than you expect it to. And all you want is to tell her. But you don't because you're best friends. And nothing could ever change that.

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You don't tell her. Until you do. You text her because this pent up feeling of loving someone so much hurts so bad. And you know for a fact she doesn't feel the same way. (Not for a fact but you find it very hard to believe) so you tell her you're gay. And you cry when she answers with the most Maya response in the world. She tells you she's happy for you. And that she loves you. And all that matters to her is that you're happy. And you cry because you're once again reminded why you love her (you know it's love) and all you want is to tell her that. But you don't. And it still hurts. The constant pain in your chest never goes away. You have feelings just waiting to burst out. And you wonder if she feels the same way, you know she doesn't. But you hope hope hope that one day you can. The summers almost over and you can't wait to spend every moment of the day with her again. To get as close as you did. And eventually tell her, but in the back of your mind you know you'll hold it in. You hope something can happen. You love her more than anything else on the planet. And nothing can ever change that.

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 **review it up**

 **based on a true story::mine**

 **xx, Alice**


	2. Chapter 2

**Unrequited love**

 **Coming out and heartbreak pt 2**

 **disclaimer: I don't own girl meets world**

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It's school again and when you see her it's like every other time. Hugs and happiness. The "I missed you so much" and the excitement. And as the first days drag on for everyone else, it's more time for you to be with her. It goes way too fast. And you hold hands like always, walk her to class, kiss her cheek, because that's what best friends do.

But one day it's just you and her, and you lock arms. Your hand begins to slide down and she pulls her hand away from yours. You don't know if its intentional but you get a sudden coldness. You feel numb and empty. You begin to question everything, even telling her you're gay. You try to convince yourself it was just a mistake but the voice in the back of your head is screaming that you know she doesn't love you the same way.

You don't mean to, but you cry to Farkle. You tell him everything. And he's there like he always is. You begin to get close to him. He helps you feel normal again. You call him every morning for some sense of security but he meets you everyday, because she doesn't. He holds your hand now that she doesn't. You know you don't like him and he knows you don't either. So it's okay. And he can see it in your eyes, the longing for her.

You don't mean to but you begin to fall behind. You don't walk as fast, or next to her anymore. You begin to stop eating lunch and you sit there in silence all day. He notices, but he knows you've got more going on than just our Maya issue. So he questions you, but of course you deny everything. Like you always do, like you always have.

And there's so much chaos in your head, thoughts about her. Why are they always about her? The name Maya just seems to haunt you. You see a guy with her name tattooed on his neck. And you know it's not your Maya, then you remember she's not yours.

Soon she consumes your thoughts. She's all you can ever think about.

Maya. Maya. Maya. Maya. Maya.

And you yell at yourself. Riley get it together. She's your best friend. You can't love her. But you do. So you push through.

And there's some days, you think she might even like you back, but by the time you get alone with your thoughts, you know she'll never love you like you love her.

And you're left with a broken heart and a hurting head and all you can do is stare at the ceiling. You don't sleep, because you dream about her and what you could be. But when you're wide awake at 4:28 am, you're still thinking about her.

You try to keep your distance, but you don't know what hurts more. Being so close, or so far. Your heart breaks at the thought of both. But you know you can never leave her. Farkle has assured you enough to have a tiny bit of Riley hope left in the back of your mind. That says "what if". That's the only thing keeping you around. And you hold on to that hope with all the strength you have left in you. You finally sleep a night, and just like always you dream about her. And they're good dreams, but you never wanna wake up. Because when you do reality hits and you know how she really feels.

But you put up with it. Because she's your best friend and she's your world. You would do anything for her, even break your own heart.

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 **reveiw it up**

 **true story::me**

 **xx, Alice**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't know what I'd do without you**

 **coming out and heartbreak pt 3**

 **Disclaimer:I don't own girl meets world**

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You haven't stopped loving her. It's been almost a year and you can't get her out of your head.

You buy necklaces, one for her and one for you. She wears it everyday and only takes it off for P.E. You never take it off. Your mom takes it off of you at night because she's scared you're gonna wrap it around your neck in your sleep. But you'd rather die by something of significance that relates to her than anything else (if the heartbreak doesn't kill you first).

You don't call Farkle every morning anymore. You push him away. Because he gave Maya the biggest hint that you're in love with her. And you're mad. You screamed that you hated him. You regret it, and you apologized, but it's a hole in your heart now. That she might know. And you're scared. So you walk on ice around her, you can't give away anything

You find another girl. Her eyes are the same bright blue and her golden locks don't smell like apples. But her hands are soft enough, and you try to get used to the dark brown. She falls in love with you, and you don't wanna say it back because you don't want to lie.

When Maya brings it up you get angry. You don't know why but you do. She asks what you're doing throwing yourself into a relationship. She claims she needs you. And in your head (it's always in your head) you scream that she doesn't. She's never needed you like you needed her.

But she calls you one night, in a panic. And you take care of her. Like you always do. Because relationships and fights don't matter at 2:43 am. She matters. So you calm her down and you get her to sleep. And she responds with a simple thank you. And the 8 little words she mumbles bepfore she drifts off to sleep seem to stab you in the heart. And you don't know how much she meant them. But they repeat in your head. "I don't know what I'd do without you".

You love her more than you love the sunshine in the mornings. You love her more than watching the sunrise on the nights you can't sleep. You love her more than the stars that are barely visible in the New York lights. And you don't know what you'd do without her.

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 **Review it up**

 **true story**

 **xx, Alice**


	4. Chapter 4

**blue eyes and happy times**

 **coming out and heartbreak part 4**

 **disclaimer: I don't own Girl Meets World**

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You think you've drifted so far that you can hardly see her. Yeah you see her everyday. But you don't as much as you used to. You stop meeting her everyday after school. You instead walk your new girlfriend home. Those brown eyes got ahold of you. And you gave up on bright blue. And it still hurts. You wish that things worked out. You wish that you were with her. But you're happy(?). You finally tell your girlfriend you love her. And you do. But part of you thinks you love Maya more (you feel sososo bad). By now you just want to know if she ever loved you.

You don't tell her about your girlfriend. You just always tell her you're going with her. You thinks she questions it. But she never says anything. (You want her to say something)

She becomes accustomed to your girlfriend. She never uses the word but you know she suspects. It's been 3 weeks and you fall more and more into the dark brown forest. You've lost memory of the blue. And she jokes around with you like she used to (it seems like she does this once a month) but she holds your hand and you grip it and never wanna let go. And she's first to pull away and you await the next time she holds you like she used to. How can you tell her? You're still clinging onto some hope that she loves you? But you avoid it. You shut your feeling up and remember that you love the dark brown hair that you curl through your fingers.

You love it you love it you love it

You know you have to tell her. So you text her. The first thing you do is apologize. Why do you apologize? For having a girlfriend. It's not wrong (but you know it is) and she's Maya. She's happy for you and you know it.

"Congrats Riles I'm happy for you. As long as you're happy I'm happy"

Those words linger for longer than you want them to. Because you don't want her to be happy. You want her to be mad at you and be heartbroken. You want her to show some sign that she cares. But she doesn't. And you don't know what hurts more. So you fall further and further because it's not like you can get any lower than you are.

And one day after gym, Maya's too sore to walk upstairs (although she refuses to admit it) and you can hear her hissing in pain. So you, being the best friend you've always been, grab her arm and help her up. But she pulls away like you're on fire. She says nothing, but your arms turns to ice. And you swear you'll never touch her again because it hurts too much (you know it's a lie)

And you go home and cry. Because you don't deserve those beautiful brown eyes. And you feel sososo guilty for being the way you are. Because you don't deserve anyone. So you go through it. Everyday. You kiss her and tangle your hands in her brown hair. And you listen to the sad music that reminds you of blue eyes and happy times.

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 **review it up**

 **true story::don't try it**

 **next chapter will no longer be my story, but what ive wanted since I started this**

 **xx, Alice**


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